


Superior Specimen (Or, Wade's Totally Awesome Plan for Not Having to Deal with Green Goo)

by Lumelle



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Fix-It, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14733032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumelle/pseuds/Lumelle
Summary: It would be easier for everyone not to save Shatterstar, but Wade's tying to set an example here, or something. Also, it amuses him to think the smug bastard is so easily tricked.Shatterstar should complain, but it's hard to do that when the trick brought him Rictor.





	Superior Specimen (Or, Wade's Totally Awesome Plan for Not Having to Deal with Green Goo)

To his credit, Wade only considered leaving Shatterstar to die for an hour or two, tops. Maybe three, things got a bit blurry when you had access to time travel. Also the guy was annoying. But he was trying to set an example here or something, and it wasn’t like he was going to run out of time, so what the hell. He could try at least.

“So, Shatty sweetie.” Technically the mission hadn’t even begun, but then if he got the guy out before they even left, he wouldn’t have to deal with any of that smug shit again. Win-win, really. “You said you’re better than humans at everything.”

“Obviously.” Wow, the guy didn’t even blink. Maybe letting him turn into green paste wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Seriously, Wade would just be doing a service to the world. “What of it?”

“Since you’re so great, why’d you look like you haven’t gotten laid in, like, a hundred years?” Unless one counted the stick that was obviously deep up his ass. Which just might qualify. “I mean, someone so obviously perfect should at least manage to get a pityfuck every now and then.”

Shatterstar scowled. “I focus on survival, not pleasure,” he spat. “A warrior is not distracted by such things.”

“Ohhhh.” Wade snapped his fingers. “So you just suck at dating!”

“What?” Shatterstar’s eye twitched in the funniest way, really, Wade had to work hard not to start laughing out loud. “How dare you suggest such a thing?”

“Hey, it’s okay, we’ve all got to start somewhere. I mean, look at me, my face is like a diseased ballsack got bombarded with bullets and I still got the hottest girl in the world.” Who was not dead, she would not be dead, he had saved her and she would stay saved and they would make the best babies in the whole damn world. “But I guess if you’re too shy, it can’t be helped.”

“You think I would fear such confrontation?” The twitch got even worse. “I have bested far worse foes than carnal urges!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say.” Wade shrugged. “I mean, I could give you the name of this new dating app that specializes in mutants and other supers, but since you’re so sure you don’t need it…”

It didn’t take the guy four seconds to break. Wow. Wade had been willing to give his warrior spirit at least five. “…I suppose I could just demonstrate how superior I am in this aspect, too.”

“You go do that.” Wade quickly texted a link to the app to Shatterstar’s phone. What? Homicidal mercenaries and intergalactic gladiators needed phones too, how else was he going to order pizza? “Now, if you can’t get a date, you can still stick along for the ride with the rest of us. I promise we won’t even make fun of you. Much.”

The weird eye narrowed, and Wade could barely keep himself from cheering. Hook, line, and sinker. Of course, he personally preferred hooker, line, and sink, but that wasn’t the point.

Best case scenario, Shatterstar would meet someone who could keep up with his bullshit and never bother Wade again. Even in the worst case scenario the idiot would be too embarrassed to show up for the mission and admit he hadn’t gotten a date. Sometimes, doing the right thing was almost as much fun as blowing shit up.

(Blowing shit up was still the plan B, of course, it was always plan B except when it was plan A.)

*

For a human, Shatterstar had to admit this was a fairly acceptable specimen.

Of course, he had seen much more exemplary forms in his life, but at least the man seemed healthy and had a decent build. The dark hair and sharp eyes were nice, though aside from that he couldn’t see anything special about him.

“Rictor, correct?” That was the name the man had given himself in the application, so that seemed like a safe bet.

“That would be me. And you are… Shatterstar, right?” Rictor lifted his eyebrows. “Your profile said you’re superior to humans in every way.”

“Obviously.” It wasn’t boasting when it was true. Shatterstar crossed his arms over his chest. “What, do you have some sort of a complaint?”

“Hmm…” Rictor actually eyed him up and down, as though there was something to consider. “Nah. I think you’ll do for now.”

That was clearly a challenge. And a warrior never backed away from a challenge.

Luckily it wasn’t that difficult to prove his prowess. He had researched things beforehand, and while the whole mess with dates seemed like an utterly frivolous mating ritual, he wasn’t about to fail at it. He would show this human just how superior he was, and then he would track down Deadpool and make sure he knew just how wrong those implications had been.

He actually did get something out of it beyond the simple satisfaction of being right. As it turned out, Rictor was quite skilled at other forms of satisfaction, too, particularly when his powers came to play. Clearly he was still not as accomplished a warrior as Shatterstar, of course, but he did make things interesting in bed.

Outside the bed, too, as Shatterstar soon realized. Obviously he could not leave things be after one encounter, that would have been all but admitting defeat. He was going to excel in this, proving to everyone that he was superior to humans in relationships as well, not just the physical aspects. It wasn’t something he was particularly experienced at, mind, but that oversight was easily corrected. Rictor seemed amenable to providing him with training opportunities, and besides, Shatterstar wasn’t quite over the dismissive comment. He would show Rictor that not only was he adequate, he was clearly the superior mate.

“I really don’t get why you’re so hung up on that,” Rictor said when Shatterstar mentioned this a few months later in the middle of a movie. “I was being snarky. You know I’m snarky. What, have you been dating me just to make me take that back?”

The words were said with a smile, but Shatterstar had not survived this long by ignoring body language. There was tension in Rictor’s body, as though he was gearing up for a fight — or, perhaps, to flee.

That would not do. A superior mate would not be causing their mate such distress. “Don’t be ridiculous.” He reached an arm to draw Rictor closer, felt the firm body slowly relaxing against Shatterstar’s own. “I am dating you to prove my superior taste in partners to the world. If I am also proving my own prowess as a partner to you, all the better.”

“Maybe one day you’ll actually learn to speak like a human.” Rictor snorted, then turned and climbed into Shatterstar’s lap. And, well, that was far more interesting than the movie. “Maybe we should work on your oral skills, hmm?”

“I get the feeling this is a euphemism.” Not that he had any problem with that.

Lying in bed later, feeling Rictor’s body move in quiet breaths over his chest, Shatterstar realized he had not in fact been lying. This was what he wanted, Rictor was what he wanted, and he had no desire to change things.

This was much more efficient than trying to start over with another partner. Clearly this was the way of a warrior. Besides, Rictor’s hair was awfully soft under his hand.

There were other moments of personal epiphany along the way, scattered about the months that followed. On a quiet autumn evening he realized that the emotional satisfaction he got from his time around Rictor was just as important if not more so than the physical side, not that there was anything wrong with that part either. As Rictor chided him for overreacting about Rictor catching a simple cold later in the winter, Shatterstar spent half the night wrestling with the rather shocking revelation that the thought of losing Rictor caused him utter pain. And as spring started to dawn, he noticed that completely unnecessary emotions and attachments had become an undeniable part of his daily life.

The last major realization hit him early on a summer morning, over a year after his first attempt at a date. Rictor’s place had become their place at some point, a shared breakfast a certainty rather than a pleasant treat. Said breakfast was currently getting cooked by an unusually cheerful Rictor, who was baking pancakes in nothing but his boxers. It was a pleasant sight, a wonderful distraction that Shatterstar was busy drinking in over his cup of coffee when the thought struck him.

This was a distraction. Not just the sight of Rictor’s muscular back and messy hair and the smell of pancakes, not just the crackling radio in the background that kept hopping between channels, not even the comforting heat of the coffee. This was all one big distraction, orchestrated by Deadpool for some unfathomable reason, all to keep Shatterstar away.

Rictor looked over his shoulder as he heard Shatterstar curse. “You okay, dude?” Rictor frowned. “That was pretty sudden.”

“No, I was just… I was simply surprised by a thought, that’s all.” Shatterstar stood up from the table, walking over to Rictor. The scent of the pancakes mixed with traces of Rictor’s shampoo made him hungry in more than one way. “Looks tasty.”

“Me or the pancakes?” Rictor chuckled, the ripple running through his body obvious as Shatterstar reached his arms around Rictor.

“Why not both?” Shatterstar sank his face in the wavy locks, taking a moment to collect himself. Whatever Deadpool’s motivation had been, it had brought him to Rictor, and he couldn’t truly be mad about the thing that had changed his life for the better.

“Hush, you. I’m not letting breakfast burn because you can’t hold back.” And yet Rictor pressed his ass back against Shatterstar. This contradictory behavior was an example of the human habit of teasing, Shatterstar was fairly sure.

“After breakfast, then?” He brought his mouth close to Rictor’s ear, enjoying the small shiver that his breath caused. “Let’s make the room move.”

“I think the expression is feeling the earth move.”

“I know what I said.” Shatterstar smirked. “I aim to pleasure you so, you can’t hold back your powers.”

After all, he was clearly a superior lover, and quite eager to prove it.


End file.
